The Socially Acceptable Addiction
The one where I name my own struggle and hope
*Pre-note - I have a tendency toward addictive behaviours and I need to pay attention to what is going into my body and thoughts. I didn’t see it coming with my mobile phone use, because it wasn’t a substance, didn’t carry a warning label, and everyone was “drinking the kool-aid” together. Whether or not you have ever been caught out by the addictive nature of screens, I hope this small part of my story can serve as a helpful awareness that screens are not neutral for most people. In fact, they are not designed to be neutral! As we teach our kids about digital wisdom, we need to be aware of and honest about our own pitfalls and cognitive dissonances.
“What are we waiting for?” The traffic queue snaked from the golf course back into the housing estate, about a quarter mile long. We approached the temporary traffic lights just in time to see the “camoflaged” green 5G post being dropped into the ground. I went nuts. All my calm, reasoned, diplomatic discussion around phones went out the window and I ranted.
I lamented the fact that we are choosing faster internet speeds at the same time that we are recognising an epidemic of addiction and harm caused by the very internet we are speeding up. I think I said something to the fact that “we are choosing to become stupider rather than to actually alleviate the actual suffering around us!” This was as much about what is in my own heart as it is about the choices our government and society are making. I let it all out, then my husband and I laughed and lamented.
We then began recounting our own journeys to this place where faster internet feels like a need rather than a want.
I typed my first school paper in 11th grade. There was not much excitement in the blinking cursor and the dot-matrix Atari style font. But the printer, that was another story. We had one of those early, cutting edge desktop printers that had holes along the edges of the paper. It was so satisfying to fold and tear them off. My brother and I used to come up with things we needed to print just for the satisfaction of tearing the edges!
I remember sending my first email message during my sophomore year at university on the BUBBS (____ University Bulletin Board Service). It went out into the void and I could not understand how it worked. When I received a reply I was perplexed and excited all at once. What did this mean for keeping in touch with friends far away?!
In my 20s I got my wee Nokia brick with snap-on covers so I could change the colour. My biggest excitement was that the electric blue one matched my car. Calls were expensive and you had to pay to call AND to receive, so it was used sparingly.
Just after my 32nd birthday a friend showed up at my house with a phone that had a wee pen you could use to check your calendar, right there on the screen. Impressed, I was straight down to the O2 shop when my contract was up to ask about this. They didn’t know what I was talking about. However, they showed me a phone that had not just a calendar but everything I could ever need, literally at my fingertips. I learned to text, and over time stopped calling friends because it was easier to just shoot them a message. A shift happened here, when my phone moved from being a useful tool to a convenient “need.”
I made a MySpace page about the same time, and soon after that the Facebook craze hit. I stopped texting and just updated my status. We were continually amazed at how many people we could keep in touch with in one go. We could share our moments of triumph and challenge, respond with a thumbs up, mindlessly numbing out to other people’s stories. In the background, we were growing increasingly dependent on these technologies we had never before seen or needed, and our connection to each other was becoming more and more superficial.
In the 16 years since that first mobile phone I have experienced countless internal shifts, quickly assuming that I needed my phone always with me, and that I needed to be available 24-7 to anyone who messaged me, or simply updated their status. My evening hours became filled with responding to messages, scrolling through memes and updating my status. When 4G became available, 3G was no longer fast enough. If I heard a ping the phone was out and I was compulsively responding.
Over the last decade the absurdity of these assumptions has come to my awareness. Acting on this recognition and reclaiming my humanity has taken discipline, focus, and a regular reminder of who I am and what I am not. We were not designed to be “on” 24-7, or to maintain constant superficial connections. We were designed to connect in the physical world with physical people who receive and offer relationship to one another.
My rant over the 5G tower was deeply connected to my own experience of being duped into thinking that my phone is an appendage, a necessity, a reality in which I am meant to live. I don’t know how to retrain my soul except to slow down and speak the truth.
To this end, I have been practicing a few things over the years that have helped me return to the land of the living and flourishing. I offer them to you if you are also becoming aware of an unhealthy relationship to your phone:
On a practical level, remove social media from the phone and turn off the little red dots, pings, and header notifications on all but the most essential apps. Turn the whole thing to black and white. For that matter, be clear about what is actually essential and what just feels essential. Go through your apps and notice, is this leading to connection and groundedness, or is it simply passing time or causing anxiety? Do I need to have my email, banking and shopping features on my phone or is there a better way to do these things?
When you find yourself picking up the phone (or the computer) mindlessly, stop to ask yourself, “What do I really want right now?” For me, this has been an eye opening and soul searching experience when I actually engage with the question. Other times I ignore myself and carry on!
Take walks without headphones and notice your surroundings.
Connect with another human outside your family or work environment at least a few times a week. Notice needs that other people have and see if you can be of service. The truth is, none of us needs 5G. But our neighbour could probably do with a cuppa and conversation!
Helpful Links:
There are so many things happening in the digital sphere right now it’s hard to comment on them all. I have struggled to write for a few months because every time I begin I find something new has happened! Here are just a few of my highlights:
Jon Haidt of the After Babel substack has released his research findings about teens and social media in a book, “The Anxious Generation.” He calls himself an atheist and I understand where he’s coming from, but his chapter on spiritual degradation was worth the price of the book. I would love to speak further with him about this!
Smartphone free childhood, Delay Smartphones, and Wait Until 8th are all seeking to help parents band together to wait a little bit longer to give phones to their kids. I wholeheartedly support this, and I know that it is a tricky subject. As a society, we are at a crossroads where we are beginning to recognise that maybe we’ve gone a bit early on kids and screens, but it feels so essential to their relationships we don’t know how to pull back.
If this resonates, you might like to consider a family detox. We are going to take the challenge this summer. Fancy joining us? Here are two places you can find guidance (though there are many out there!)
Parenting Teens and Tweens gives four different ways you can do this. It is helpful to think through what you actually want out of a digital detox.
Screenstrong is structured as an actual course. The founder, Melanie Hempe has experienced a child with video game addiction and is up on the research about brains and screens. Her detox is a bit like boot camp and will invite you to challenge your accepted norms when it comes to yourself and your kids screen habits. (Scroll to the bottom of the page and sign up for “Connect forum” which gives you access to the free course and other materials)
License to Phone news
We have received funding to create phase 2 of the course and have plans in the autumn to create a curriculum guide. We will be looking for youth pastors, parents, and caring adults who would be interested in piloting this resource. Watch this space!
Excellent and so helpful. Passing this on to others. Thanks. Btw: your hyperlink to "screen strong" did not work.